Why Did The Beaver Cross the Road

I once believed that I could do anything I set my mind to… apparently, even when my mind is set, there is a line. Consequently, here I sit, covered in oil, dirt, and moderate amounts of self-loathing. This series of unfortunate events starts, as most do, with a visit with my family. Now, you don’t need much context about my family other than the fact that I was there for 1 week in a 3 bedroom home with 9 family members and ONE bathroom. So, you can imagine how frazzled I was after this experience. Honestly, I’m just amazed that we all made it out of there alive.

After a very long and emotionally draining week of family fun, I packed up my sweet little Kia Forte and made my way home. Now, I feel the need to preface this story with the fact that I have made this trip, conservatively, 11 billion times. I know the route from Connecticut to Albany like the back of my hands. Most of the journey is spent on back roads driving next to various bodies of water, which I find VERY soothing. There isn’t usually any traffic so I was foolish enough to actually start to relax on my way home.

I was so relaxed, in fact, that I allowed my mind to wander slightly. I was emotionally on autopilot so I wasn’t as alert and focused on the road ahead as I perhaps should have been. The next series of events happened so fast that I almost don’t know where to begin. A beaver ran, RAN, across the road (DID YOU KNOW THAT BEAVERS COULD RUN? BECAUSE I DIDN’T!). At which point my Forte’s Forward Collision warning system activated the brakes for me, and I turned the wheel to the right slightly to avoid hitting the little dare devil, and ended up driving across the grass, clipping the side of a shrubbery, and back onto the road. At this point, I have experienced several heart attacks, and have seen both my life and the beaver’s flash before my eyes. Nevertheless, I continued driving a good 20 minutes before I registered a dragging sound coming from the underside of my car.

I am not entirely sure at what point in that 20 minutes I decided that I was a certified mechanic, qualified to identify what was wrong with my car post-Beaver Incident of 2017, but, spoiler alert, I’m 100% not a mechanic. I have a degree in words. I can tell you in beautifully descriptive detail what I saw looking at my traumatized little Kia, but past that I have NO idea what I was looking at, which is very likely why things went so wrong.

Based on my “professional” assessment of my vehicle, I determined that the sound was caused by a rather large stick or possibly tree branch wedged under my car. I did NOT want to have to call to get my car towed. It became apparent that I would go to great lengths to avoid calling for a tow as I scooted myself under my car to remove the stick, relinquishing any dignity I may have had left. The branch was REALLY wedged in there so I had to do some shifting to get a better angle. One final forceful pull, and immediate regret. It seems that the branch caught on one of the plugs under my car and now some kind of NASTY brown(?????) liquid was gushing out of my car. I can comfortably say, as I sit under my car, Wicked Witch of the East style, that I have reached rock bottom.

My only real option was to call for a tow truck. At this point, I am sitting on the side of the road looking like I just escaped prison, and friends, I watched horror, concern, and finally, sadness cross this man’s face in rapid succession. I could actually see all of the questions in his eyes, but he seemed to just let it go and we sat in awkward silence for approximately 45 minutes on our way to Destination Kia to have my poor car fixed up the right way.

What did I learn from this experience? Several things: Don’t try to mess with things under your car if you have no idea what you are doing. Seriously, this is why the good people in the service department at Destination Kia are there. They will handle it, PLEASE don’t try to fix it yourself. Also, Destination Kia has a TON of service specials that you can check out so you can save some money, and I don’t know, not end up dumping ALL of your oil all over yourself. Just saying. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a hot shower and print off that Full Synthetic Oil & Filter Change coupon from Destination Kia’s website so I can drive my car again with what little dignity I have left.